Newhouse MVJ 2018

Willie Tape

When shit in your home breaks, it costs you lots of time and money. Just like a newborn baby. Except a home is planned for. And it can break anywhere… from your plumbin’, your chair, your sprinkler, your exhaust… it’s all surprisingly fragile.

Now you could hire a handyman or a plumber for a simple fix, but that’s just asking for you to set a few Ben Franklins on fire.

It’s my belief that you shouldn’t have to pay all that or fix it yourself, wasting your Saturday for no reason. Cuz you’ll end up drivin’ to the store, lookin’ for parts, don’t find the parts, drive to another store, buy the parts, drive home, realize it’s the wrong part, go to the store again, drive home again, finally make the fix, and by the time you’re done, you’ve missed a lot of precious football. And even if you save money, you’ve wasted all that time… and science proves that time is actual money. So now you’re back to where you started.

Now you might be thinkin’, duct tape fixes everything. Yeah, if you want a crappy, temporary solution. Yes, it’s quick and cheap, but you need somethin’ quick, cheap, AND permanent.

Introducin’ willie tape, the amazing super-tape that’s strong as steel and saves you hundreds of dollars. Willie tape can be used anywhere. It can fix anythin’ from your plumbin’, your chair, your sprinkler, your exhaust… and it costs just a few dollars. So now, instead of burnin’ Ben Franklins, you’re only burnin’ Abe Lincoln and George Washington. …I, I know that sounds bad, but it’s actually way better.

Got a broken pipe? Willie tape it! Because willie tape is 100% watertight. Hell, you could even coat your lungs with it and never drown. But you would suffocate, and it would be excruciatingly painful.

Got a broken tail pipe? Willie tape that sucker too. Cuz willie tape can withstand temperatures of up to 1000 degrees Fahrenheit. Or for you Europeans — 1000 degrees Fahrenheit, governor.

Willie tape saves you countless hours and hundreds of dollars on repairs but only if you already have it. It’s just like a first-aid kit. You don’t buy it after the accident, you buy it right now, so you’ll be ready for the accident. And I would know. Cuz I was an accident.

Willie tape is like the shit your doctor uses to cast broken bones and kneecaps. Only stronger. And permanent. And P.S., don’t use it on your body cuz this stuff will give you a Brazilian wax from hell.

And it comes in single-use rolls so it’s one roll… one fix… one beautiful spokesperson. Plus we include gloves in every box. You’re welcome.

Just unroll it. Reroll it around the area that needs fixin’. Wait 10 minutes. And you’re done.

So if you don’t like burnin’ money, go to willie tape dot com, and order your willie tape today. However, if you do like burnin’ money, just work for the government.

So buy willie tape now and be ready for — that busted muffler on the highway. That broken tent pole in the middle of nowhere. That rusty encabulator flange on a back hoe. That ain’t a real thing, but if it were, willie tape could fix it.

Yeah, duct tape has its time and place. But when you need somethin’ fixed… and I mean guaranteed to last longer than you do, use willie tape.

Plus order right now and we’ll give you a special deal where you send us money and we send you willie tape. Cuz it’s already a deal. So click them internet buttons and order now.

Willie tape — Buy today, so you can be ready for tomorrow.